Friday, 22 January 2010


5 years ago, before Taye and I became 'Taye & I'- the couple, they had a fight. Taye and Stacy that is. They never said but it was the biggest one yet. They never said what it was about either, but I jumped into the gap. Filled the void. If I had told Stacy what I planned to do and it involved any other guy she would say that I have executed Carpe Diem nicely. I seized the day and I seized Taye also.  I had to.  Often, we get given a chance to do something great or experience something spectacular and we don't take it. Choose not to seize the opportunity for a myriad of reasons, that at the time, far outweigh it. I often thought that Taye and Stacy would end up together. and not because everyone said they should. Or because both their mothers secretly and openly hoped so. But because they are two halves of the same side. Opposites might attract but they have always completed each other. So I took a chance when I had it. 

I often worry, when I see Taye and Stacy together that their going to realise. Realise that together they could be a better couple than Taye and I could ever be.

I always thought I'd walk. If I suspected my boyfriend of cheating. That's it i'm gone. No second chances. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Sometimes I look at him, and I don't know who he is any more.
Its more than the occasional curiosity about where he is. Why is he working late? Who is that new female friend? I never had to worry about the friendship things, since his female friend is my female friend too.

For years I was too shy, scared to act. Disabled by my own inhibition. I saw the type of females that were usually attracted to him and the types he went for and I didn't tick either box. Secretly, I hoped him and Stacy would get together, anything was better than the skanks that could often be found trawling after him. But she was always going on random dates, guys who were the polar opposite to him, ask her and she'd say “Taye, eww, he's my friend. Not my type”. Sometimes she'd wink and go “ OK why not, every girl has a go at him, you saying its my turn now?” and I'd know she was annoyed. Her dates were always disasters, and id hear the fantastic tales as we'd sit and sip her coffee. And Taye, well he was never short of women, they flocked in by the dozen.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

16: "If at first you don't obviously didn't try hard enough" CRAIG

I took my dog for a walk and saw a vision, stranded in a car.

She's gorgeous.

And the fact that she doesn't know it?

Simply makes her more so.


Not just to me either. I see the looks that she attracts when we're out together. The quick intake of breath people take when she smiles or laughs at something unaware Pure beauty, that signs from somewhere within.

I'm aware of the looks that I get too. The expressions that shout 'lucky sod' or the occasional reflective ' mates or lovers'.

And I understand.

Know that I am lucky, and that circumstances have been kind. I cannot be blamed for pouncing on her when we first met. I didn't want to let a good thing pass. Its no secret how much I like her. Can a guy be smitten? I purchased a ring after the first month of dating. A promise to myself more than her. I wasn't so crazy that I proposed then, but I want her to be mine. She's a keeper, and I knew even back then that I wanted to keep her!

I've settled. Had to compromise more then just a little. Because I cant make her choose between me and them. I share her time with her best friends, because having a part of her, is better then having none at all. And if I love her, then why wouldn't I want her to be happy?
The lads would call me a mug, laugh themselves to tears, dry them, and then laugh some more. Say i'm whipped. Sing i'm whipped.

I chased her.

Pursued her.

Was relentless.

Knocked away all of her feeble excuses as to why nothing could work between the two of us. I'm ready to offer her the keys to my freedom, just waiting for her to say she wants to chain me up. She says she's not the 'jealous type'. I worry she's not the 'commitment type' either.

15: “Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.”

Wednesday's are orange. Used to always be orange. Now it's only occasional. Wednesday, Taye and my day. Always had been. I always thought they would be forever. A day in the week when there was no 'what's her name' or 'what's his name' for either of us. The one day in the week that neither of us accepted a date . Our day. We always caught a bite to eat, round his or round mine and then headed for a film.
This time it was his turn to choose the meal and in return I would get to choose the film. I intended to choose Twilight. Ultimate chick flick. Not because I honestly wanted to see it ( I had read the book and found that to be enough) but because I knew it would annoy Taye to sit in a room filled with females drooling over someone other than himself. It was also pay back for him dragging me to see all of the Saw's and Final destinations.

Since it was his meal choice, I drove round his. Arriving, I expected to find pizza. If anything Taye was a creature of habit.Instead, I was greeted by a table littered with take away menus but missing food. I probably should have stopped to think then. He usually has the food ordered and has eaten half whenever I arrive. Having gotten a head start simply because he knew I would try to best his eating, not out of hunger but the mere fact that I hated to lose.

We had a play fight over what to eat, we'd had one before. If he hadn't ordered then I always wanted Chinese. Somehow between swatting each other with the menus his lips found themselves on mine. It felt good and I instinctively kissed him back.

I never should have kissed him back. Or prolonged it past the 30 sec 'oops that was an accident' mark. I never should have let him kiss me in the first place. You don't know you like something until you try it. I can't tell you why I did it, or maybe I can. I wanted perfect. Who doesn't? Just one taste, and since he offered me more, I couldn't help but bite it. Nothing is perfect though.

One kiss led to two,and then me ineffectually tugging at my clothes till he swung me into his arms and led the way to his bedroom. Stopping at the foot of his bed to quickly remove his clothes and mine. We continued to kiss as clothes flew in all directions. Caught in a maelstrom of lust. Exploring each other bodies for the first time.
It was over nearly as quickly as it began. And spurned on it wasn't long before we were at it again for a second and later third time. Taye recovered first. Climbed out of the bed without looking at me stretched in all his naked glory and took off to take a shower. I lay listening to the spraying of the water and tried not to think. He returned pulling on his clothes. As yet to look at me or say anything. I sat up in the bed with sheets covering my nakedness, my hands clasped in front of my breasts as reality and dread sunk in. My eyes following him, tracking his movements and urging myself to move. Unsure of what to say and how to act I felt awkward.

I hate awkward moments, I half freeze. Silently pray to God to open the earth and swallow me up. Take me away from having to deal with anything, or even better to take it away from me. I picture natural disasters in my head and attempt to work out which would be most appropriate for the situation at hand. The most logical solution next to maturely dealing with everything. And as my hands clench into fists at my side and I regulate my breathing i'm praying for anything to help me. None of that happen, nothing that hadn't already changed, shifted.

He never offered me a relationship. Or wanted to talk about what had happened. Just pulled his clothes on, smoothed the wrinkles out with his palms and said “right, we better move on or we wont catch that film” the easy smile on his face belied the harsh reality of his words. I had never before been one of his cheap women. Been anyones cheap woman. He didn't talk to me as if I was one. He was now.

I threw myself out of the bed grabbing my things as I moved ran. I was still partially naked as I stumbled down the front steps of his house and threw myself into the car. He didn't move at first. I wasn't one for hasty actions. Not before anyway. Now I couldn't get away fast enough. I was manic and I should have been embarrassed by my behaviour. I felt cheap. Cheaper because of his words and how quickly he had wanted to move on. He didn't even pause to etch my initials into the bedpost. Was I so lousy a lay, that I didn't count as a conquest?

My life took an unexpected turn that day. Actually, it took a couple. And I learnt that some mistakes are hard to turn away from, which is when I ran. Craig was different. I'm not going to wax lyrical about him. He's special though, and I love that he wanted me when I didn't even want myself.

When you sleep with your best friend, there's lots to factor in. We do certain things because we can. And others because were told not to. Constantly reminded that we should know right from wrong. But when you're so caught up in something or someone, what's right and what's wrong doesn't matter. And when what's wrong begins to feel too right, it all goes out of the window.

None of this would have happened if I had remembered all of my lessons. The curriculum. HISTORY. What Miss. Evans my history teacher was always saying, ' history teaches everything including the future'. If I had paid attention I could have seen what would happen. If you act too fast, you only have time to think later!

Up until that point, I could happily say that we were just friends. Honest. Okay, maybe not always happily. But what we had worked. If we ever flirted, it never went any further. Situations were easily diffused with a few giggles or laughs. No laughter this time.

I drove till I was far enough away to fix my clothes better, and then I drove some more. Drove till I found myself in a country lane with no petrol and a handsome face talking to me through the car window.

14: “Life will teach you the lessons, it is up to you to learn them”

I was single for one month.

And then that soon turned into single for six months.

Before you knew it I had been single for over a year.

The pathetic one stop shop dates don't count either.

I failed to retain a relationship for over a year.

The longer you're single. The more permanent it seems. Not enough semi-decent dates during the drought cause you to think that you'll never find anyone. The worry sets in. and as the length of time you've been single increases, so does the amount of thinking time. You begin to find faults. Faults within yourself and the seems of your confidence quickly fray. Find yourself asking questions such as 'am I took picky?' or 'what's wrong with me?'
For the century of the independent lady, independence only goes so far!  It doesn't keep you company, or cuddle you in bed. Its incapable of giving you a surprise visit. Independence, when single is unfortunately over-rated.

I began to date the reserve pile. I guess that's the first sign of desperation, and desperation doesn't smell nice else it would be a perfume. So I dated guys that wouldn't have even got past the initial hello but with the seems frayed and apart, got to learn my name and if lucky keep possession of my mobile number. But the reserve pile is the reserve for a reason, you don't really want to have to resort to using it. All the small stuff which could have passed as mild irritations become magnified. He chews his finger nails, wears his hair too long for stylish, he's never heard of lip balm and he's just too short. If none of the above, well, he lives too far for anything to work, and if he lives close, why date him, he can be my neighbour!

I have questioned my self-respect every day for nearly five years. Asked myself what went wrong. Sometimes you need strength to carry on, which is odd because my actions are those of the weak. No strength can be found in cheating or being the other woman. A dirty secret. I am weak a slave to passion and my own flesh. Its theft. I have his heart and sometimes his body, when neither should be mine to possess. If I hate it so much, why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.


There are important lessons which should be learnt in life, except they say the best things cannot be taught. You're expected to learn from history. In fact you're meant to. I guess that is why they put it on the curriculum with all the other main subjects. Its important.

They teach you English – you learn words, analyse text, debate and present. You learn all of that, yet when you need the best argument or explanation, there is none.

You learn maths, start by counting until you're progressing from the simplest equations to the most difficult of sums, where a solution evades you.

 1+1 = 2.  2+2 = 4.

After four, you may count more. By itself a number, for me its two too many.

Science – biology, chemistry and physics, pretty self explanatory. Who hasn't felt the first sparks of lust, or its combustion when the attraction is just right.

And history, clearly the most important of all. We study the past to learn from it, we're not meant to repeat those mistakes in the present or the future. I was too short-sighted to see this.

Since when did poor sight mean that you had to be foolish also?

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

13: 'We must not say every mistake is a foolish one....only some...'

Can I blame Eve?

The first fallen woman?

 God knows I never had a chance after her, did any woman? Kicked out of Eden. Do I hope Craig is more forgiving? Will I eventually seek his forgiveness?

No man is an island.
More importantly, no woman is either.

I reached out because I didn't want to drown in lonliness. Now I find myself more submerged than ever.

He's cheating with me.

Cheating on her with me.

One great big doubt, that won't go away, is that Taye maybe a leapard who can't change his spots. Sometimes I wonder if i should be trusting him as my friend, he's meant to be fully commited to Kendall and we all know how well that is going. I don't trust myself, so why should I place any trust in him? Sometimes, when I'm hoping more than thinking, I think that the cheating 'mantra' - "once a cheat always a cheat" is the exception rather than the rule. Going into situations such as this doesn't leave much room for initial thinking. But as the guilt is battering me, and pushing me down and further under, I can't help but think about certain things. You can justify anything, once you set your mind to it. The biggest opponant to that you lie to is yourself. I've justified alot.

The lipton icetea mullet, my hairdresser unfortunatly talked me into at a moment when i was clearly weak really did enhance my facial bone structure.
Or the shiny red shoes I purchased because I simply couldn't live without them really did enhance my wardrobe even though I owned nothing else in that colour.

Right now, I'm lying to my mum.
I'm lying to Kendall.
I'm lying to Craig.
I'm living a lie with Taye.
I'm lying to myself, and anyone else who is foolish enough to be envious of my 'great' life.

We all lie.

To cover up the things that we have done wrong.
To convince ourselves that it's all right.
To justify actions which we would ordinarily be ashamed of.

We lie so that we don't have to face the truth.

And when faced with the truth, well we simply lie some more.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

12: “A heart is a fragile thing. So why not treat it that way?” TAYE

I am human.
Made in God's image.

Yet far from flawless.

I am human, so it's a given that I'm not perfect. Taking present history into account I don't act perfect either. I make mistakes.

I have flaws.

No excuse.

Truth? 'I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.' If you're starving, and food is placed in front of you, smells good, should you not eat it? Taste a little? You can try before you buy at the supermarket. I think about that now though.
“ Would you like to try some smoked apple wood sir?”
Am I cheating on my usual value cheddar if I try it? Or worse like it?

Normally you look to others to blame. That's easy, isn't it? If I blame you I don't have to examine myself. Find further fault in my flawed image. In situations like this you blame the girlfriend or the wife. I could blame Kendall, claim its her fault. Say that its Kendall's fault, that she caused it. That she no longer fulfils all of my needs so I went elsewhere. What sort of WOMAN can't hold her man? At some point, lies and feeble excuses are not enough.

If I say I love her I'll look like a fool.

Kendall? Stacy?

Kendall is everything I thought that I wanted, sometimes more.

Stacy is all that I didn't know I wanted and more than I need.

Justification isn't easy either. Its easy to lie to others but harder to lie to yourself. It shouldn't make a difference if I say I have never cheated before, but I hope it does. Nor am I sleeping around with various women. There's no cliché it was 'only one time!' since the first time quickly turned into three and everything else became history. If I was honestly trying to hide it I think that would be worse. Or is it worse because I have made no real attempt to hide it? Everyone says that men and women cannot be friends. One side always feels more for the other. After the first couple of years the jokes stop, all of the hype dies down. The jokes about ' what were you two doing alone last night?' cease. As do the mocking or doubting raised eyebrows.

Could I simply say its their fault. They put trust in both of us too easily. If they had carried on the banter I could have 'Freudian slipped' a confession in. its selfish cheating. A wrong that is never right.

I'm lying.

I'm hiding.

I'm sinning.

Living a lie. Stealing what belongs to another. Craig should get to see this Stacy. I'm too proud to admit fault. Another mistake.

'Pride cometh before a great fall!' - Too late, I've already fallen!

CHEAT: Verb - Informal. to be sexually unfaithful Headline Animator