13: 'We must not say every mistake is a foolish one....only some...'

Can I blame Eve?

The first fallen woman?

 God knows I never had a chance after her, did any woman? Kicked out of Eden. Do I hope Craig is more forgiving? Will I eventually seek his forgiveness?

No man is an island.
More importantly, no woman is either.

I reached out because I didn't want to drown in lonliness. Now I find myself more submerged than ever.

He's cheating with me.

Cheating on her with me.

One great big doubt, that won't go away, is that Taye maybe a leapard who can't change his spots. Sometimes I wonder if i should be trusting him as my friend, he's meant to be fully commited to Kendall and we all know how well that is going. I don't trust myself, so why should I place any trust in him? Sometimes, when I'm hoping more than thinking, I think that the cheating 'mantra' - "once a cheat always a cheat" is the exception rather than the rule. Going into situations such as this doesn't leave much room for initial thinking. But as the guilt is battering me, and pushing me down and further under, I can't help but think about certain things. You can justify anything, once you set your mind to it. The biggest opponant to that you lie to is yourself. I've justified alot.

The lipton icetea mullet, my hairdresser unfortunatly talked me into at a moment when i was clearly weak really did enhance my facial bone structure.
Or the shiny red shoes I purchased because I simply couldn't live without them really did enhance my wardrobe even though I owned nothing else in that colour.

Right now, I'm lying to my mum.
I'm lying to Kendall.
I'm lying to Craig.
I'm living a lie with Taye.
I'm lying to myself, and anyone else who is foolish enough to be envious of my 'great' life.

We all lie.

To cover up the things that we have done wrong.
To convince ourselves that it's all right.
To justify actions which we would ordinarily be ashamed of.

We lie so that we don't have to face the truth.

And when faced with the truth, well we simply lie some more.