Tuesday, 23 February 2010

19: ‘You don’t leave the people you love alone......’

There is a poem about love. There are a lot of poems about love. People have been talking and writing and recording love since the beginning of time. Cupid holds no patent or copy right on it. It was central to society then and it is still essential now. As unavoidable as the fall and rise of the daily sun. Whether people call it a fable or a lie or a fools dream, people succumb to it all the time.

So this particular poem lists the attribues of love.

“Love is kind.......

Love is patient......

Love is......BLAH......BLAH.......BLAH.....”

I’m sure that you have heard all the other things that love is.

The reality? There is no encompassing comprehensive list of love to follow. It is neither simple or straight forward. No rules. So when rules are broken, it’s logical that love is even harder to determine.

Cheating is cruel not kind. And love that develops from it? Cruler still. Is cheating patient? More so than love. Maybe. It takes patience to endure. But with the knowledge that life is far from short and an awareness that we don’t have all the time in the world and nothing lasts forever. I live in the moment. I may be hooked on the drug that some call love. Guilty of taking and enjoying what is not mine. If i have learnt anything from my situation its that rules dont apply to everything. John Lennon said ‘ life is what happens when you’re making other plans’. I think hes right. Whilst i was busy planning, plotting, considering all possible situations Life was happening. Lust was sneaking up on me and love was getting ready to knock me out.


If it has four letters, and begins with the letter ‘L’, chances are that its far from simple. If you’re really unlucky it can complicate everything. Send all that you know and are comfortable with off kilter.

LIFE, LUST, LOVE – All powerful. Over powering.

The first time that we had sex I didn’t love him. I lusted him. And the second time? Maybe I did a little.


It’s not about sex. I mean it.

What began as a curious, primative urge to scratch has become so much more. At least for me. If i was 100% certain of how he felt I would do anything, Face anyone. Step out of the shadows.

Its not easy to stop. Easier said than done. I hate who I have become. Shes not who I want to see when I look in the mirror. I want to get over him. To stop it. For the hurting to stop. I may not be ready to move on, but i want the chance to try. The option for everything to be ok. Normal. I want to be whole again.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

18: 'Love is never kind and hardly patient.'

There are differents dephs to liking someone. And love? Thats a whole different ball game. I fell in love, and learned that you can't always be in control. It's not always possible to think or feel first. Heart or head? Neither path is easy. Life is not predictable or planable, and why should it be?
Some say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I'm not so sure, I dont know who would voluntarily choose to experience the rollcoaster of highs and lows with the knowledge that at the end you'll lose it all.  If I eer find out i'll be sure to let you know.

Every action has a reaction. After the first kiss, Icouldn't stop feeling the impression  of his lips against mine. An eternal kiss of guilt. Just guilt? I don't know. I aways said i would never cheat. I had this moral compass which never served me wrong. So i broke the 'never never' rule, but theres a lot of stuff I said I would never do. of lifes lessons are learnable. Some mistakes are meant to be made. Taye always says that there is no such thing as coincidences in life. Two people in the same place at the same time are meant to be there,  no accident of fate.

Have you ever seen as boxing match? One opponant tries to best the other through a series of well placed punches. Two individuals fighting each other. Imagine a fight with two opponants and only one individual. My morals war with my actions on a daily basis. I'm constantly questioning and second guessing myself. Seeing things that are impossible to like. Judging myself, and since I am my own worse critic there isn't anything worse that you can say.

Until you have lved someone whilst daily hoping and wishing to hate them. You cannot understand my dilema. Sleeping with someone you want to hate because you love them leads you to hate yourself.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you hate them? Thats how he makes me feel. Love is a drug. Im addicted to it as much as I'm addicted to him. Is it the drug? I'm not sure. I seem to have more ailments with it than without it. It's the drugthat I am on right now. And it seems to be the most potant, what everyone strives towards. Finding their one true love. And I understand. The highs outweight the lows.

I love him, I'm not ashamed to say that. I accept it openly. It makes no sense warring against it. Fighting the inevitable when I don't think I ever had a chance against it.  I hate that I love him. Hate myself forloving him when I'm still unsure of how feels about me. Actions speak louder than words, which makes him a very quiet man albeit sexually vocal.

I love him. The sad fact is I don't think I can ever stop. Even sadder? There's no bigger fool thna a fool in love.

CHEAT: Verb - Informal. to be sexually unfaithful Headline Animator