Its not some happy ever after fairy tale. You wont find us skipping away into the sunset pushing a baby carriage.
I didn't win.
Win what? Everything. Anything. Nothing. I lost it all. Lost him. Mostly I lost me. Because who I am now I don't recognise. I don't know how to get back to who I was, or even if I want to. I hope I've learnt a lesson. Would be nice if you've learned one too. That together we could say that it was all worth it. That it wont happen again. That it was a lesson well learned.
I feel as if I've thrown my heart away. Was too careless.
And every time i think of him and her together it breaks all over again. The best moments chase through my my mind, followed by the worse.
I wonder what I could have done differently. Should have done differently.
Thats the funny thing about the end. It makes you look back instead of forwards. It would be nice to say I got caught, that we got caught. That I chose him and he chose me.
And I wonder if I just wasn't enough.
He broke my heart.
Then again, I did too.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
22: The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
Posted by Kristina at 15:15
Monday, 22 November 2010
They say a girlfriend always knows. You know, that she's being cheated on. Who's they?? Probably the bastards doing the cheating! Surely they must be bastards or sons of bitches to behave in such a manner or treat women in such a way. I know I'm being cheated on, so yes THEY are right! How do I know?? How couldn't I?!! Things are so much more different. He doesn't spontaneously cuddle up to me anymore- nd I know its a feminine action that used to bug me but I miss it. He doesn't over text me with questions, wanting to know what I'm doing, or when he's going to see me. I don't get the offers for him to come pick me up, instead I get a 'be careful on the bus, yea babe!' - ON THE BUS??? This was the guy that used to insist on driving me everywhere, as if public transport wasn't safe enough for me! When did the cheating start? Are female meant to be able to sense this too? Should I be able to give a detailed explanation of when this occurred? Be able to explain or blame all of 'this' on me because surely I wasn't there when he needed me so all of this must be my fault!!! I always thought he was better suited for my best friend, they are sooo alike its not normal! Likes halves of the same person!! Opposites might attract, but if we all wanted the opposites of ourselves then we would settle for that! I wanted someone to complete me, to provide what was missing in my life. I think that was problem number one, if I couldn't bring myself happiness I had no business looking for someone else to bring happiness to me!!! Who is he cheating on me with?? I think I'd turn into one of those neurotic crazies if I honestly gave this too much thought!!! He has as much female friends as he does males. I'm not searching for a needle in a haystack! It could be anyone.....well anyone but my best friend! So I know he's been cheating on me!! Why do I stay with him? I'm going to try to answer this, and if I can't, then I guess staying with him is the wrong decision. No neurotics, but I can't help but question myself, what's wrong with me?!
Posted by Kristina at 15:11
Friday, 19 November 2010
If it’s not human nature then what is it? Some things can be excused away. The odd date with a friends ex, BEFORE you found out that he was her ex and in fact broke her heart. Would, should and could have stopped the date from occurring if you had known.
Rules are meant to stop things like this from happening. The girlfriend code is supposed to protect all members; did this mean that I wasn’t in fact a card carrying member? Was I ever? Surely I’m sure do have broken every guideline, pledge, and promise that an upstanding female gives before being provided with the assurance that her life was safe from ex’s reoccurring because her friend was now dating them, or the worry that Mr. Right would be swiped from under her nose because another female (supposedly her friend) had decided he was more right for her then he ever could be for you!
Protection, its sounds wonderful. Perhaps a little ideal, which could possibly explain why throughout history this code has never worked. It should have been revamped. Surely Henry VIII and his numerous wives should have shown that females have no camaraderie. I mean how many females did he have to destroy and yet we still went like lambs to slaughter.
So if I was following the code as I was supposed to this would be the version of events:
1. I would sleep with Trey, be suitably horrified to have enthusiastically leapt over any and all friendship barriers that had been there so long they had roots.
2. I would rush and confess all to Kendall, knowing that some grovelling would be required as she had confessed to always liking trey.
3. I would see how visibly upset Kendall is by my actions would shut my legs and attempt to be a better friend.
4. No affair would progress as I would remember the shame that I felt whilst confessing my actions.
It’s funny, because I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship but it happened anyway. I used to think negatively of anyone that could carry on an affair or cheat or act in anyway similar to this. Now I know it’s possible to love more than once. That true love may not be limited to 1 per person like the persons free Santa gives out in the shopping centre every Christmas. I’ve experienced the yearning for one person whilst lusting after another. You’re probably disgusted and I honestly should be too, but I can’t feel disgust for love. It’s a gift that we all wish for when we don’t have it. A completion that we take for granted when we do have it. A miracle that is abused and mistreated, mistaken for something lesser or simply not recognised at all. It’s nice to think that we all have a one true love, but I no longer think this is true. I can love what is mine and even that which is not mine. I can want one when I am with another. I can keep them both for now, can’t I?
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Posted by Kristina at 02:12
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
There is a poem about love. There are a lot of poems about love. People have been talking and writing and recording love since the beginning of time. Cupid holds no patent or copy right on it. It was central to society then and it is still essential now. As unavoidable as the fall and rise of the daily sun. Whether people call it a fable or a lie or a fools dream, people succumb to it all the time.
So this particular poem lists the attribues of love.
“Love is kind.......
Love is patient......
I’m sure that you have heard all the other things that love is.
The reality? There is no encompassing comprehensive list of love to follow. It is neither simple or straight forward. No rules. So when rules are broken, it’s logical that love is even harder to determine.
Cheating is cruel not kind. And love that develops from it? Cruler still. Is cheating patient? More so than love. Maybe. It takes patience to endure. But with the knowledge that life is far from short and an awareness that we don’t have all the time in the world and nothing lasts forever. I live in the moment. I may be hooked on the drug that some call love. Guilty of taking and enjoying what is not mine. If i have learnt anything from my situation its that rules dont apply to everything. John Lennon said ‘ life is what happens when you’re making other plans’. I think hes right. Whilst i was busy planning, plotting, considering all possible situations Life was happening. Lust was sneaking up on me and love was getting ready to knock me out.
If it has four letters, and begins with the letter ‘L’, chances are that its far from simple. If you’re really unlucky it can complicate everything. Send all that you know and are comfortable with off kilter.
LIFE, LUST, LOVE – All powerful. Over powering.
The first time that we had sex I didn’t love him. I lusted him. And the second time? Maybe I did a little.
It’s not about sex. I mean it.
What began as a curious, primative urge to scratch has become so much more. At least for me. If i was 100% certain of how he felt I would do anything, Face anyone. Step out of the shadows.
Its not easy to stop. Easier said than done. I hate who I have become. Shes not who I want to see when I look in the mirror. I want to get over him. To stop it. For the hurting to stop. I may not be ready to move on, but i want the chance to try. The option for everything to be ok. Normal. I want to be whole again.
Posted by Kristina at 03:36
Sunday, 21 February 2010
There are differents dephs to liking someone. And love? Thats a whole different ball game. I fell in love, and learned that you can't always be in control. It's not always possible to think or feel first. Heart or head? Neither path is easy. Life is not predictable or planable, and why should it be?
Some say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I'm not so sure, I dont know who would voluntarily choose to experience the rollcoaster of highs and lows with the knowledge that at the end you'll lose it all. If I eer find out i'll be sure to let you know.
Every action has a reaction. After the first kiss, Icouldn't stop feeling the impression of his lips against mine. An eternal kiss of guilt. Just guilt? I don't know. I aways said i would never cheat. I had this moral compass which never served me wrong. So i broke the 'never never' rule, but theres a lot of stuff I said I would never do. of lifes lessons are learnable. Some mistakes are meant to be made. Taye always says that there is no such thing as coincidences in life. Two people in the same place at the same time are meant to be there, no accident of fate.
Have you ever seen as boxing match? One opponant tries to best the other through a series of well placed punches. Two individuals fighting each other. Imagine a fight with two opponants and only one individual. My morals war with my actions on a daily basis. I'm constantly questioning and second guessing myself. Seeing things that are impossible to like. Judging myself, and since I am my own worse critic there isn't anything worse that you can say.
Until you have lved someone whilst daily hoping and wishing to hate them. You cannot understand my dilema. Sleeping with someone you want to hate because you love them leads you to hate yourself.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you hate them? Thats how he makes me feel. Love is a drug. Im addicted to it as much as I'm addicted to him. Is it the drug? I'm not sure. I seem to have more ailments with it than without it. It's the drugthat I am on right now. And it seems to be the most potant, what everyone strives towards. Finding their one true love. And I understand. The highs outweight the lows.
I love him, I'm not ashamed to say that. I accept it openly. It makes no sense warring against it. Fighting the inevitable when I don't think I ever had a chance against it. I hate that I love him. Hate myself forloving him when I'm still unsure of how feels about me. Actions speak louder than words, which makes him a very quiet man albeit sexually vocal.
I love him. The sad fact is I don't think I can ever stop. Even sadder? There's no bigger fool thna a fool in love.
Posted by Kristina at 03:25
Friday, 22 January 2010
5 years ago, before Taye and I became 'Taye & I'- the couple, they had a fight. Taye and Stacy that is. They never said but it was the biggest one yet. They never said what it was about either, but I jumped into the gap. Filled the void. If I had told Stacy what I planned to do and it involved any other guy she would say that I have executed Carpe Diem nicely. I seized the day and I seized Taye also. I had to. Often, we get given a chance to do something great or experience something spectacular and we don't take it. Choose not to seize the opportunity for a myriad of reasons, that at the time, far outweigh it. I often thought that Taye and Stacy would end up together. and not because everyone said they should. Or because both their mothers secretly and openly hoped so. But because they are two halves of the same side. Opposites might attract but they have always completed each other. So I took a chance when I had it.
I often worry, when I see Taye and Stacy together that their going to realise. Realise that together they could be a better couple than Taye and I could ever be.
I always thought I'd walk. If I suspected my boyfriend of cheating. That's it i'm gone. No second chances. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Sometimes I look at him, and I don't know who he is any more.
Its more than the occasional curiosity about where he is. Why is he working late? Who is that new female friend? I never had to worry about the friendship things, since his female friend is my female friend too.
For years I was too shy, scared to act. Disabled by my own inhibition. I saw the type of females that were usually attracted to him and the types he went for and I didn't tick either box. Secretly, I hoped him and Stacy would get together, anything was better than the skanks that could often be found trawling after him. But she was always going on random dates, guys who were the polar opposite to him, ask her and she'd say “Taye, eww, he's my friend. Not my type”. Sometimes she'd wink and go “ OK why not, every girl has a go at him, you saying its my turn now?” and I'd know she was annoyed. Her dates were always disasters, and id hear the fantastic tales as we'd sit and sip her coffee. And Taye, well he was never short of women, they flocked in by the dozen.
Posted by Kristina at 15:31
Thursday, 7 January 2010
I took my dog for a walk and saw a vision, stranded in a car.
And the fact that she doesn't know it?
Simply makes her more so.
Not just to me either. I see the looks that she attracts when we're out together. The quick intake of breath people take when she smiles or laughs at something unaware Pure beauty, that signs from somewhere within.
I'm aware of the looks that I get too. The expressions that shout 'lucky sod' or the occasional reflective ' mates or lovers'.
And I understand.
Know that I am lucky, and that circumstances have been kind. I cannot be blamed for pouncing on her when we first met. I didn't want to let a good thing pass. Its no secret how much I like her. Can a guy be smitten? I purchased a ring after the first month of dating. A promise to myself more than her. I wasn't so crazy that I proposed then, but I want her to be mine. She's a keeper, and I knew even back then that I wanted to keep her!
I've settled. Had to compromise more then just a little. Because I cant make her choose between me and them. I share her time with her best friends, because having a part of her, is better then having none at all. And if I love her, then why wouldn't I want her to be happy?
The lads would call me a mug, laugh themselves to tears, dry them, and then laugh some more. Say i'm whipped. Sing i'm whipped.
I chased her.
Knocked away all of her feeble excuses as to why nothing could work between the two of us. I'm ready to offer her the keys to my freedom, just waiting for her to say she wants to chain me up. She says she's not the 'jealous type'. I worry she's not the 'commitment type' either.
Posted by Kristina at 17:49
Wednesday's are orange. Used to always be orange. Now it's only occasional. Wednesday, Taye and my day. Always had been. I always thought they would be forever. A day in the week when there was no 'what's her name' or 'what's his name' for either of us. The one day in the week that neither of us accepted a date . Our day. We always caught a bite to eat, round his or round mine and then headed for a film.
This time it was his turn to choose the meal and in return I would get to choose the film. I intended to choose Twilight. Ultimate chick flick. Not because I honestly wanted to see it ( I had read the book and found that to be enough) but because I knew it would annoy Taye to sit in a room filled with females drooling over someone other than himself. It was also pay back for him dragging me to see all of the Saw's and Final destinations.
Since it was his meal choice, I drove round his. Arriving, I expected to find pizza. If anything Taye was a creature of habit.Instead, I was greeted by a table littered with take away menus but missing food. I probably should have stopped to think then. He usually has the food ordered and has eaten half whenever I arrive. Having gotten a head start simply because he knew I would try to best his eating, not out of hunger but the mere fact that I hated to lose.
We had a play fight over what to eat, we'd had one before. If he hadn't ordered then I always wanted Chinese. Somehow between swatting each other with the menus his lips found themselves on mine. It felt good and I instinctively kissed him back.
I never should have kissed him back. Or prolonged it past the 30 sec 'oops that was an accident' mark. I never should have let him kiss me in the first place. You don't know you like something until you try it. I can't tell you why I did it, or maybe I can. I wanted perfect. Who doesn't? Just one taste, and since he offered me more, I couldn't help but bite it. Nothing is perfect though.
One kiss led to two,and then me ineffectually tugging at my clothes till he swung me into his arms and led the way to his bedroom. Stopping at the foot of his bed to quickly remove his clothes and mine. We continued to kiss as clothes flew in all directions. Caught in a maelstrom of lust. Exploring each other bodies for the first time.
It was over nearly as quickly as it began. And spurned on it wasn't long before we were at it again for a second and later third time. Taye recovered first. Climbed out of the bed without looking at me stretched in all his naked glory and took off to take a shower. I lay listening to the spraying of the water and tried not to think. He returned pulling on his clothes. As yet to look at me or say anything. I sat up in the bed with sheets covering my nakedness, my hands clasped in front of my breasts as reality and dread sunk in. My eyes following him, tracking his movements and urging myself to move. Unsure of what to say and how to act I felt awkward.
I hate awkward moments, I half freeze. Silently pray to God to open the earth and swallow me up. Take me away from having to deal with anything, or even better to take it away from me. I picture natural disasters in my head and attempt to work out which would be most appropriate for the situation at hand. The most logical solution next to maturely dealing with everything. And as my hands clench into fists at my side and I regulate my breathing i'm praying for anything to help me. None of that happen, nothing that hadn't already changed, shifted.
He never offered me a relationship. Or wanted to talk about what had happened. Just pulled his clothes on, smoothed the wrinkles out with his palms and said “right, we better move on or we wont catch that film” the easy smile on his face belied the harsh reality of his words. I had never before been one of his cheap women. Been anyones cheap woman. He didn't talk to me as if I was one. He was now.
I threw myself out of the bed grabbing my things as I moved ran. I was still partially naked as I stumbled down the front steps of his house and threw myself into the car. He didn't move at first. I wasn't one for hasty actions. Not before anyway. Now I couldn't get away fast enough. I was manic and I should have been embarrassed by my behaviour. I felt cheap. Cheaper because of his words and how quickly he had wanted to move on. He didn't even pause to etch my initials into the bedpost. Was I so lousy a lay, that I didn't count as a conquest?
My life took an unexpected turn that day. Actually, it took a couple. And I learnt that some mistakes are hard to turn away from, which is when I ran. Craig was different. I'm not going to wax lyrical about him. He's special though, and I love that he wanted me when I didn't even want myself.
When you sleep with your best friend, there's lots to factor in. We do certain things because we can. And others because were told not to. Constantly reminded that we should know right from wrong. But when you're so caught up in something or someone, what's right and what's wrong doesn't matter. And when what's wrong begins to feel too right, it all goes out of the window.
None of this would have happened if I had remembered all of my lessons. The curriculum. HISTORY. What Miss. Evans my history teacher was always saying, ' history teaches everything including the future'. If I had paid attention I could have seen what would happen. If you act too fast, you only have time to think later!
Up until that point, I could happily say that we were just friends. Honest. Okay, maybe not always happily. But what we had worked. If we ever flirted, it never went any further. Situations were easily diffused with a few giggles or laughs. No laughter this time.
I drove till I was far enough away to fix my clothes better, and then I drove some more. Drove till I found myself in a country lane with no petrol and a handsome face talking to me through the car window.
Posted by Kristina at 17:44
I was single for one month.
And then that soon turned into single for six months.
Before you knew it I had been single for over a year.
The pathetic one stop shop dates don't count either.
I failed to retain a relationship for over a year.
The longer you're single. The more permanent it seems. Not enough semi-decent dates during the drought cause you to think that you'll never find anyone. The worry sets in. and as the length of time you've been single increases, so does the amount of thinking time. You begin to find faults. Faults within yourself and the seems of your confidence quickly fray. Find yourself asking questions such as 'am I took picky?' or 'what's wrong with me?'
For the century of the independent lady, independence only goes so far! It doesn't keep you company, or cuddle you in bed. Its incapable of giving you a surprise visit. Independence, when single is unfortunately over-rated.
I began to date the reserve pile. I guess that's the first sign of desperation, and desperation doesn't smell nice else it would be a perfume. So I dated guys that wouldn't have even got past the initial hello but with the seems frayed and apart, got to learn my name and if lucky keep possession of my mobile number. But the reserve pile is the reserve for a reason, you don't really want to have to resort to using it. All the small stuff which could have passed as mild irritations become magnified. He chews his finger nails, wears his hair too long for stylish, he's never heard of lip balm and he's just too short. If none of the above, well, he lives too far for anything to work, and if he lives close, why date him, he can be my neighbour!
I have questioned my self-respect every day for nearly five years. Asked myself what went wrong. Sometimes you need strength to carry on, which is odd because my actions are those of the weak. No strength can be found in cheating or being the other woman. A dirty secret. I am weak a slave to passion and my own flesh. Its theft. I have his heart and sometimes his body, when neither should be mine to possess. If I hate it so much, why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
There are important lessons which should be learnt in life, except they say the best things cannot be taught. You're expected to learn from history. In fact you're meant to. I guess that is why they put it on the curriculum with all the other main subjects. Its important.
They teach you English – you learn words, analyse text, debate and present. You learn all of that, yet when you need the best argument or explanation, there is none.
You learn maths, start by counting until you're progressing from the simplest equations to the most difficult of sums, where a solution evades you.
1+1 = 2. 2+2 = 4.
After four, you may count more. By itself a number, for me its two too many.
Science – biology, chemistry and physics, pretty self explanatory. Who hasn't felt the first sparks of lust, or its combustion when the attraction is just right.
And history, clearly the most important of all. We study the past to learn from it, we're not meant to repeat those mistakes in the present or the future. I was too short-sighted to see this.
Since when did poor sight mean that you had to be foolish also?
Posted by Kristina at 17:11
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Can I blame Eve?
The first fallen woman?
God knows I never had a chance after her, did any woman? Kicked out of Eden. Do I hope Craig is more forgiving? Will I eventually seek his forgiveness?
No man is an island.
More importantly, no woman is either.
I reached out because I didn't want to drown in lonliness. Now I find myself more submerged than ever.
He's cheating with me.
Cheating on her with me.
One great big doubt, that won't go away, is that Taye maybe a leapard who can't change his spots. Sometimes I wonder if i should be trusting him as my friend, he's meant to be fully commited to Kendall and we all know how well that is going. I don't trust myself, so why should I place any trust in him? Sometimes, when I'm hoping more than thinking, I think that the cheating 'mantra' - "once a cheat always a cheat" is the exception rather than the rule. Going into situations such as this doesn't leave much room for initial thinking. But as the guilt is battering me, and pushing me down and further under, I can't help but think about certain things. You can justify anything, once you set your mind to it. The biggest opponant to that you lie to is yourself. I've justified alot.
The lipton icetea mullet, my hairdresser unfortunatly talked me into at a moment when i was clearly weak really did enhance my facial bone structure.
Or the shiny red shoes I purchased because I simply couldn't live without them really did enhance my wardrobe even though I owned nothing else in that colour.
Right now, I'm lying to my mum.
I'm lying to Kendall.
I'm lying to Craig.
I'm living a lie with Taye.
I'm lying to myself, and anyone else who is foolish enough to be envious of my 'great' life.
We all lie.
To cover up the things that we have done wrong.
To convince ourselves that it's all right.
To justify actions which we would ordinarily be ashamed of.
We lie so that we don't have to face the truth.
And when faced with the truth, well we simply lie some more.
Posted by Kristina at 01:32