Thursday, 7 January 2010

15: “Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.”

Wednesday's are orange. Used to always be orange. Now it's only occasional. Wednesday, Taye and my day. Always had been. I always thought they would be forever. A day in the week when there was no 'what's her name' or 'what's his name' for either of us. The one day in the week that neither of us accepted a date . Our day. We always caught a bite to eat, round his or round mine and then headed for a film.
This time it was his turn to choose the meal and in return I would get to choose the film. I intended to choose Twilight. Ultimate chick flick. Not because I honestly wanted to see it ( I had read the book and found that to be enough) but because I knew it would annoy Taye to sit in a room filled with females drooling over someone other than himself. It was also pay back for him dragging me to see all of the Saw's and Final destinations.

Since it was his meal choice, I drove round his. Arriving, I expected to find pizza. If anything Taye was a creature of habit.Instead, I was greeted by a table littered with take away menus but missing food. I probably should have stopped to think then. He usually has the food ordered and has eaten half whenever I arrive. Having gotten a head start simply because he knew I would try to best his eating, not out of hunger but the mere fact that I hated to lose.

We had a play fight over what to eat, we'd had one before. If he hadn't ordered then I always wanted Chinese. Somehow between swatting each other with the menus his lips found themselves on mine. It felt good and I instinctively kissed him back.

I never should have kissed him back. Or prolonged it past the 30 sec 'oops that was an accident' mark. I never should have let him kiss me in the first place. You don't know you like something until you try it. I can't tell you why I did it, or maybe I can. I wanted perfect. Who doesn't? Just one taste, and since he offered me more, I couldn't help but bite it. Nothing is perfect though.

One kiss led to two,and then me ineffectually tugging at my clothes till he swung me into his arms and led the way to his bedroom. Stopping at the foot of his bed to quickly remove his clothes and mine. We continued to kiss as clothes flew in all directions. Caught in a maelstrom of lust. Exploring each other bodies for the first time.
It was over nearly as quickly as it began. And spurned on it wasn't long before we were at it again for a second and later third time. Taye recovered first. Climbed out of the bed without looking at me stretched in all his naked glory and took off to take a shower. I lay listening to the spraying of the water and tried not to think. He returned pulling on his clothes. As yet to look at me or say anything. I sat up in the bed with sheets covering my nakedness, my hands clasped in front of my breasts as reality and dread sunk in. My eyes following him, tracking his movements and urging myself to move. Unsure of what to say and how to act I felt awkward.

I hate awkward moments, I half freeze. Silently pray to God to open the earth and swallow me up. Take me away from having to deal with anything, or even better to take it away from me. I picture natural disasters in my head and attempt to work out which would be most appropriate for the situation at hand. The most logical solution next to maturely dealing with everything. And as my hands clench into fists at my side and I regulate my breathing i'm praying for anything to help me. None of that happen, nothing that hadn't already changed, shifted.

He never offered me a relationship. Or wanted to talk about what had happened. Just pulled his clothes on, smoothed the wrinkles out with his palms and said “right, we better move on or we wont catch that film” the easy smile on his face belied the harsh reality of his words. I had never before been one of his cheap women. Been anyones cheap woman. He didn't talk to me as if I was one. He was now.

I threw myself out of the bed grabbing my things as I moved ran. I was still partially naked as I stumbled down the front steps of his house and threw myself into the car. He didn't move at first. I wasn't one for hasty actions. Not before anyway. Now I couldn't get away fast enough. I was manic and I should have been embarrassed by my behaviour. I felt cheap. Cheaper because of his words and how quickly he had wanted to move on. He didn't even pause to etch my initials into the bedpost. Was I so lousy a lay, that I didn't count as a conquest?

My life took an unexpected turn that day. Actually, it took a couple. And I learnt that some mistakes are hard to turn away from, which is when I ran. Craig was different. I'm not going to wax lyrical about him. He's special though, and I love that he wanted me when I didn't even want myself.

When you sleep with your best friend, there's lots to factor in. We do certain things because we can. And others because were told not to. Constantly reminded that we should know right from wrong. But when you're so caught up in something or someone, what's right and what's wrong doesn't matter. And when what's wrong begins to feel too right, it all goes out of the window.

None of this would have happened if I had remembered all of my lessons. The curriculum. HISTORY. What Miss. Evans my history teacher was always saying, ' history teaches everything including the future'. If I had paid attention I could have seen what would happen. If you act too fast, you only have time to think later!

Up until that point, I could happily say that we were just friends. Honest. Okay, maybe not always happily. But what we had worked. If we ever flirted, it never went any further. Situations were easily diffused with a few giggles or laughs. No laughter this time.

I drove till I was far enough away to fix my clothes better, and then I drove some more. Drove till I found myself in a country lane with no petrol and a handsome face talking to me through the car window.


CHEAT: Verb - Informal. to be sexually unfaithful Headline Animator