2. “To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception"

"I think he's cheating on me", she half whispered it whilst absently stirring sugar into her coffee so that I was uncertain of whether she had actually said it or if i was projecting my instability again.

My heart stopped beating and I struggled to remain calm. Quickly gulping down mouth fulls of scalding Hot Chocolate, nodding my head and attempting to hide my reaction. It burnt the roof of my mouth choking me as much as the guilt I held over my own behaviour.
The process causing me to screech out "Whaaaaaaaaaat???" sounding far more panicked than I had intended.

In all honesty I had imagined confessing so many times. Pictured it all in my head down to the most minute of details. I could tell you exactly what I would be wearing and how I'd style my hair. Knew that I planned to be standing and not sitting when said confession was announced so that I could run if things turned violent. See I knew I purchased good trainers for a reason and I planned to wear them with joggers and a tank top under the guise of being on my way to the gym, and I'd even joined the gym and am happy to say that I'm at the peak of my physical fitness.

In reality I had grown far too comfortable in my current position. It should'nt be easy to juggle a best friend, a boyfriend and a 'boyfriend-ish' (the guy I was cheating with) so easily, or else everyone would do it. That should have been sign number one that the end is nigh!

Kendall was looking at me, waiting for one of my usual long winded hypothesis so that we could hash out every possible ending, it's alternative and possible excuses.

I stalled.

Dabbed at my mouth with a napkin, stalled for time whilst i tried to gage what her next words might be. Considered how best to proceed with this as I smoothed my nearly drenched sweaty palms down my thighs, clenched my fingers into the excess fabric of my trouser legs and tried to discreetly shift in my seat. Dubiously I glanced downwards, eyed the shoes I had put on my feet. HEELS!!! They were useless in a fight or flight situation, I was no where near ghetto enough to wield them as a weapon against my best friend. Mistake number one of the day. Mistake number two? meeting Kendall for coffee.

"I know we promised we would never be the neurotic girlfriends." she sighs. My cue to say something supportive like "If you're thinking this then something must be up!"
Instead I nod my head faster.....I can't help, it before you know I'll be saying 'ooooooooooh yes' and churchhill will be out of a job.

1."CHEAT"

I am a cheat.

And I know what I am doing is wrong. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and have difficulty breathing just thinking about it. Sicker still at the thought of getting caught!
I want to stop, but more than that I want to carry on because I believe something can become of this. I am the girl most girlfriends worry about but hope doesn't actually exist. I am who he is meeting when he tells you 'he can't see you tonight because he's having dinner with Gran'. It's me making him sweaty on Sunday and not 'footy with the lads', they think hes hurt his hand, given him time off for injury. It works just fine when hes stripping off my clothes and running his palm up and down my skin.

I am cheating.

It's immoral and something I swore I could never do. Would never do. "Never say never" because never has just come. I am cheating with him, but not only that, I am cheating myself. I deserve better than sly meetings quickly arranged when its convenient for both of us and no one is around for us to get caught.

8 months ago I said i would quit.

End things before I invested more time and emotion into 'a relationship' that was likely to cause nothing but pain.

I am addicted.

Just can't get enough of him. It's bordering on obsession. I see his face when I am making love to my boyfriend. Feel disappointed when i get a phone call and the voice on the other end is not his. I am an addict and want to quit, but when all is said and done I'm stuck on the high. I am addicted and worse still I think he knows. Calls me just when I am about ready to walk away. Reels me back in when my confidence is wavering and I feel cheap, because a couple of whispered sweet nothings and I am right back in there. Once again tricked into thinking he's worth it.

That together we're worth it.

That the 'girlfriend code' means nothing because I could possibly have a future with him. All those adolescent promises, 'chicks over dicks', 'hoes over bros' and 'sisters over misters' were simply cliches.

Was I meant to pick my best friend who I had already dedicated 22 years of my life to, over the possibility of dedicating the rest of my life to the man of my dreams?
The one guy who had managed to bring the words "I Love You" to the tip of my tongue. So that at the beginning, middle and end of every conversation a battle of words ensued in my mouth. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I'd said 'I...i...i...L...l.l.l....like you' in response to his numerous declarations of love. I whole heartedly put both my hands and feet into this 'relationship' (and every other body part since we were intimate) but I didn't want to commit my heart as well as my soul!

He was the dream guy.

When I was eleven I had planned my life out so well. I knew for sure that when I was older I would be Beautiful, Rich and Famous. I'd have the car that everyone wanted. More girls would hate me than like me, because I'd be perfect. And I'd have the perfect dream man.
I never would have guessed that the dream man I was so hooked on wasn't my dream but my best friend's.

Seems like I'm cheating on everyone.