Sunday, 3 January 2010

12: “A heart is a fragile thing. So why not treat it that way?” TAYE

I am human.
Made in God's image.

Yet far from flawless.

I am human, so it's a given that I'm not perfect. Taking present history into account I don't act perfect either. I make mistakes.

I have flaws.

No excuse.

Truth? 'I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.' If you're starving, and food is placed in front of you, smells good, should you not eat it? Taste a little? You can try before you buy at the supermarket. I think about that now though.
“ Would you like to try some smoked apple wood sir?”
Am I cheating on my usual value cheddar if I try it? Or worse like it?

Normally you look to others to blame. That's easy, isn't it? If I blame you I don't have to examine myself. Find further fault in my flawed image. In situations like this you blame the girlfriend or the wife. I could blame Kendall, claim its her fault. Say that its Kendall's fault, that she caused it. That she no longer fulfils all of my needs so I went elsewhere. What sort of WOMAN can't hold her man? At some point, lies and feeble excuses are not enough.

If I say I love her I'll look like a fool.

Kendall? Stacy?

Kendall is everything I thought that I wanted, sometimes more.

Stacy is all that I didn't know I wanted and more than I need.

Justification isn't easy either. Its easy to lie to others but harder to lie to yourself. It shouldn't make a difference if I say I have never cheated before, but I hope it does. Nor am I sleeping around with various women. There's no cliché it was 'only one time!' since the first time quickly turned into three and everything else became history. If I was honestly trying to hide it I think that would be worse. Or is it worse because I have made no real attempt to hide it? Everyone says that men and women cannot be friends. One side always feels more for the other. After the first couple of years the jokes stop, all of the hype dies down. The jokes about ' what were you two doing alone last night?' cease. As do the mocking or doubting raised eyebrows.

Could I simply say its their fault. They put trust in both of us too easily. If they had carried on the banter I could have 'Freudian slipped' a confession in. its selfish cheating. A wrong that is never right.

I'm lying.

I'm hiding.

I'm sinning.

Living a lie. Stealing what belongs to another. Craig should get to see this Stacy. I'm too proud to admit fault. Another mistake.

'Pride cometh before a great fall!' - Too late, I've already fallen!


CHEAT: Verb - Informal. to be sexually unfaithful Headline Animator