Friday, 18 December 2009
I knew him first. Not an excuse, an explanation. At the very least we all deserve one.
Did that make what I had done, am doing, better? No, but can you honestly say it doesn't help explain things at all? He should have been mine. But I didn't think that way when I was 10. Who expects to meet their soul mate at that age. Many woman and men go their whole lives without discovering theirs, so don't hold it against me that I let mine slip away.
We had always been close. And before puberty led us to discover sex and eventually love, we were equals. Taye might have been a guy, genetically predisposed to be stronger than Kendall or I. Yet we held our own. If he wanted to play football and climb trees, than fine, we could too. But it worked both ways, and when we wanted to sit down for girly time and discuss our futures and what we had planned Taye had to join in too. No one would dare label him as gay. He was comfortable in his masculinity from the very start. Almost as if he had been born perfect. He stayed perfect too, made things even worse. And because he was so perfect I resisted. Scorned his advances when I later realised that him teasing and pushing and tickling me and all the other little signs were his non-verbal communication of attraction. Trouble was my very verbal put downs soon sent him to number three, Kendall. Who, unfortunately is as perfect as him. Ying and Yang. Taye and Kendall fit. I sometimes found myself watching them. Her with her mocha skin, straight hair and Brazilian features. Him with his deep rich chocolate eyes, constant easy smile and toned flawless body fit. They just fit.
I was jealous. Not an excuse. I just want you to understand. Need to understand myself!
I didn't try to steal him. I was happy with Craig, had even allowed myself to contemplate a future with him. Problem is Craig was comfortable. As an earthquake his seismic waves are barely detectable. So why stay with him? Because I liked him. I like him. A lot. He wasn't my cover story, a carefully laid plan. That requires forethought and this honestly wasn't premeditated.
Two perfect people. Throw me into the equation and things aren't so perfect. Whilst far enough from ugly, I am not an obvious beauty. Sometimes guys would have to look twice to realise I am a gem. A jewel worth more than a quick glance or a second inspection. I never was playing hard to get if you told me I looked great and I shrugged it off. Kendall knew that, problem is so did Taye.
I don't know who I am any more. I can't see a bigger picture. I'm stuck in the moment trapped by my lies. I hate myself. I hate who I am and what I have lost to get there. 'He who pays the piper, calls the tune".
I can blame no one but myself. I wouldn't want to be my own friend and yet I still hope Kendall will want to be. I once read 'that most affairs aren't sought, they usually happen at a vulnerable time'. There's nothing vulnerable about a brick wall. It's meant to be impenetrable, isn't it?!