Friday, 18 December 2009
I never should have kissed him back. Never should have let him kiss me in the first place. You have no way of knowing if you like something if you haven't tried it., forbidden fruit and all that. I can't even tell you why I did. Or maybe I can, I wanted perfect. At the very least a little taste, and he offered it to me, but nothing is perfect, is it?
"You think he's cheating, you haven't caught him have you?" I ask. I'm treading on a very thin, dangerous line. 'Step on a crack and you break your mother's back!'
She shakes her head, as if clearing her thoughts, her long hair spraying out in all directions framing her fragile face, and she bites her lip. Concentrating.
"A good cheat never gets caught!" She states, with such conviction that I gasp unexpectedly. My Kendall wasn't a cynic. After 22 years of friendship I'd know that. This was a new side of her, a new facet, and I knew that I had inadvertently caused this.
Yet I'm breathing easier now. Relieved. There's no crime without evidence.
"Okay." I take another deep breath, it's so much easier now, prepare myself because I'm about to step even closer to the edge of discovery.
"-what do you want to do?"
Kendall raises her head, eyes bright, smile shining. It's removed all shadows of doubt and concern from her face. I see relief too. Finally our coffee Tuesday is back on track, following schedule just as it should be. We have reached the moment for hypothesising. We're ready to start weighting up the pro's and con's of her pursuing this venture.
"Are you sure?" she asks, she knows me as well as she knows herself. Which is ironic as she should have guessed that I am the other woman. However, she is intuitive enough to realise that I am not all there. Not 100% committed to this. And I'm not. My mobile phone in box full of plenty of reasons pertaining to this. I wanted to keep some of my pennies out of the hat. Not all surprises are good.
I'm scared all over again. Palms sweaty. Anxious. Worried. Concerned. I am losing what little control I have left. I want to freeze time. Stop the moment. I'm honestly worried that this will be the last 'coffee Tuesday' ever. Our last scheming session. And it's not how I would have imagined. Always thought that they would end because we were old and happy. So content in life that we wouldn't have anything to scheme about, wouldn't need to plot. We only ever did this when we were unhappy about something anyway.
I pause, hesitate. Reach inside of my handbag and withdraw my diary. Click the pen on. Flick to the 'To..Do...' section.