Sometimes, you take a step too far.
Turn down the wrong path only to learn that its a one way street, and with the exit so far away...you follow the road in the hope that at some point you'll get direction. You don't always get to have your cake and eat it. I've had indigestion for months now. Anxiety at my own behaviour. It's easy enough to tell myself to stop. I say it most times I look in the mirror!
But stop doesn't delete memories. It doesn't erase emotions. And most importantly it can't rewind time.
We've got closer in the past year. Craig and I. Which in itself is ironic, because in the past year I couldn't have begun to move any further away from him then I already have. Sometimes, when he's being nice I want to be mean. Just so he has reason to dump me and I won't have to break his heart. Does he suspect? I don't know. Who introduces their boyfriend to the man their cheating with? Craig's great as well. “The perfect guy” my mother said, the first time I introduced her to him. Having spent years imagining that Taye and I would settle down together I know it cant be easy for her. Or Mary, Taye's Mum. It's with the best intentions. But what do they say about that? Even with the best intentions things can go awry.
I can't blame Mum. I can't blame Mary. I blame myself!
Craig and I met 5 years ago. 5 years ago when I had done something bad. So bad that I couldn't function. Had found myself driving around for no reason until I was stuck in a country lane. No petrol. No phone. Just an immense amount of silence and I was forced to relive my actions again and again in my thoughts. Until, this friendly face followed the hand of someone knocking on my car door and I had had to wipe my face....adjust my appearance and open the window.
“Need help?” he asked.
I looked at him, his hair was a light shade of brown peppered with specks of blonde. I didn't know this now, but later when we got together I called them his sunshine's. He had sprayed sunshine onto my life when I had been feeling most down. His eyes are great too, so expressive and at that moment in time said friendly. So that I was inclined to talk to him and not wind my window up or lock the car door.
“How did you guess?” I croak. I'm feeling really self concious and want to cover myself up. I'm not dressed to be in company of anyone else. My car never minds what I wear but I was incredibly worried that I looked a mess. My hair was barely brushed. Messier than my thoughts. My shirt was hastily buttoned and the wind that hit my chest when I opened the window suggested that I hadn't even buttoned it up properly.
He smiles at me and I quickly glance down. Relieved to see that I had pulled a skirt on. He introduced himself to me. I learnt that his name was Craig, and that I had been fortunate enough to run out of petrol a short 10 minute walk from his house and very lucky that he had decided to take the dog for a walk and seen me slumped at the wheel. He was single. Not looking. Which I usually took to mean 'looking but not looking at you'. I hadn't minded. In fact, felt quite relieved because it meant that I didn't have to make an effort with the conversation. It was obvious I was upset about something. Clearly it's not normal to leave the house looking like I did, plus my eyes were puffy from crying and my lips swollen from being kissed.
So I had accompanied him to the house, my hand posed on the rape alarm that I carried I my pocket. There was no one else around but I hoped if I needed to use it the volume would shock him enough to give me the opportunity to run.
We chatted about everything but the reason of why I was in my car, and looking like I did. Drank tea and laughed and I began to feel reasonably normal again.
Until I found myself receiving the second unexpected kiss of the day.......
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Sometimes, you take a step too far.