Tuesday, 15 December 2009

1."CHEAT"

I am a cheat.

And I know what I am doing is wrong. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and have difficulty breathing just thinking about it. Sicker still at the thought of getting caught!
I want to stop, but more than that I want to carry on because I believe something can become of this. I am the girl most girlfriends worry about but hope doesn't actually exist. I am who he is meeting when he tells you 'he can't see you tonight because he's having dinner with Gran'. It's me making him sweaty on Sunday and not 'footy with the lads', they think hes hurt his hand, given him time off for injury. It works just fine when hes stripping off my clothes and running his palm up and down my skin.

I am cheating.

It's immoral and something I swore I could never do. Would never do. "Never say never" because never has just come. I am cheating with him, but not only that, I am cheating myself. I deserve better than sly meetings quickly arranged when its convenient for both of us and no one is around for us to get caught.

8 months ago I said i would quit.

End things before I invested more time and emotion into 'a relationship' that was likely to cause nothing but pain.

I am addicted.

Just can't get enough of him. It's bordering on obsession. I see his face when I am making love to my boyfriend. Feel disappointed when i get a phone call and the voice on the other end is not his. I am an addict and want to quit, but when all is said and done I'm stuck on the high. I am addicted and worse still I think he knows. Calls me just when I am about ready to walk away. Reels me back in when my confidence is wavering and I feel cheap, because a couple of whispered sweet nothings and I am right back in there. Once again tricked into thinking he's worth it.

That together we're worth it.

That the 'girlfriend code' means nothing because I could possibly have a future with him. All those adolescent promises, 'chicks over dicks', 'hoes over bros' and 'sisters over misters' were simply cliches.

Was I meant to pick my best friend who I had already dedicated 22 years of my life to, over the possibility of dedicating the rest of my life to the man of my dreams?
The one guy who had managed to bring the words "I Love You" to the tip of my tongue. So that at the beginning, middle and end of every conversation a battle of words ensued in my mouth. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I'd said 'I...i...i...L...l.l.l....like you' in response to his numerous declarations of love. I whole heartedly put both my hands and feet into this 'relationship' (and every other body part since we were intimate) but I didn't want to commit my heart as well as my soul!

He was the dream guy.

When I was eleven I had planned my life out so well. I knew for sure that when I was older I would be Beautiful, Rich and Famous. I'd have the car that everyone wanted. More girls would hate me than like me, because I'd be perfect. And I'd have the perfect dream man.
I never would have guessed that the dream man I was so hooked on wasn't my dream but my best friend's.

Seems like I'm cheating on everyone.

7 comments:

SIMONE SANOUBANE said...

Hello Christina;

It's hard to commen on issue affecting individuale's life. However, I believe there is always some reason for every thing that happen to us all as human being in this world. What ever happen, please try to balance the cause and effect to you and everyone involved, after all, when we loose balance that when everything goes wrong. Only he truth will stand the est of times, regardless what may be happening temporary. Good luck, and take care of your self. God always loves us all.

Anonymous said...

You ask "Was I meant to pick my best friend who I had already dedicated 22 years of my life to, over the possibility of dedicating the rest of my life to the man of my dreams?" Well, is a man that will cheat on his girlfriend (who must have many good qualities if you class her as your so-called "Best Friend") and not make a definite commitment to one or the other or you really the stuff "dreams" are made of? You don't HAVE to be a cheat-you have made that choice and are seeking to excuse it by pleading weakness and apathy-well it takes more effort to arrange secret meetings and sneak around and lie as it does to avoid doing that. If you value this man more than you do your best friend then more fool you-hopefully one day she may get the friend and boyfriend she deserves because she currently has neither. I know my words are harsh but I hope you wake up and smell the coffee and become a better person in the future than you are currently being.

Mike said...

Hmmmmm, cheating is more of a hobby to you than the fact that you could possibly ruin a happy home, because you are leaving of the thrill and excitement of living on the edge, and when people take thing too an extreme, it's normally a mechanism to cover up from internal characteristics or insecurities, or just the exposure of such availability to comfort without having to commit.

you ARE cheating and think it's not right I personally think that this is worse, you are not doing it for thrills but because of jealousy, comfort and security at the expense of someone's partner and commitment and it is only a matter of time before you loose everything.... and end up alone.

queen elizabeth said...

Oh my oh my oh my.

i know exactly how you feel. Others commenting cannot possibly understand if they have not been in the situation themselves.

Anonymous said...

oh my god. im in the same position as you - but the guy im seeing is not with my best friend but hes engaged to another woman but i cant give him up.......and yeah i think i deserve more than snatched moments in time with him but at the moment I want him

The other woman said...

Thanks for the comments, all responses welcome! PLEASE FOLLOW THE BLOG!

Mich said...

Well,I suggest just don't let yourself get caught by your partner. I'll share this article entitled How To Cheat And Get Away With It. Hope it'll help.

CHEAT: Verb - Informal. to be sexually unfaithful Headline Animator